A letter to the churches of Christ from a visitor:

Today I came out of the front doors to a church, walked to my truck and started crying uncontrollably. You might like to think that these tears were the Holy Spirit moving me, or that worship was so touching I couldn't control my emotions. I really wish that was the case! While the service was very uplifting and I gained insight from the sermon and class, sadly that was not the reason for my onset of tears. I was crying because of the lack of depth of my interactions with other Christians and because of the general lack of personable outreach to visitors.

To begin, it's important to know a little background on me.  For those of you who may not know me, my name is Jessica and I am a 28 year old who also happens to be an expert at being a visitor. I am a traveling speech-language pathologist. My dog and I travel alone and we move every 3-4 months to different locations across the US. I was born and raised in the church of Christ and for the past two years I have had the pleasure of attending over 25 different churches of Christ across country because of my frequent moving.

*I will add a disclaimer because of some comments that I have received. I understand worship is for praising and worshiping God. I wholeheartedly try to do that during whatever church service I attend; however, God gave us the church. The people. To support each other. To love each other. To worship with each other. To build each other up. That is what this letter is about. Not the worship of God but the fellowship of believers and the mission that God gives us to bring non-believers and other Christians into the fold.

Let me tell you, I know that churches are filled with people and I know that people are human. We as people are sinful, and we often make mistakes or fail to see opportunities. But, today I had had enough after church. I had been to too many church services where people didn't talk to me, or I sat by myself, or I didn't feel welcome. I decided to do something about it. I was going to write all of my feelings and make the members of the churches feel bad for what they are doing-- or rather lacking. And then I decided, you know what. Maybe they don't know. Some people only visit other churches when they are on vacation (maybe 2 times/year) or even less than that... Maybe they just don't know what it's like to be a visitor, or be searching for a church...

Well I want you to know. I want you to see the situation through my eyes for a minute. This is a typical first Sunday experience for me that I want to share. I came in to church for class. When I asked the greeter which class I should go to, she looked at me confused as if "Don't you know where to go?" When I told her I was a visitor she needed to open the bulletin to see what classes were available, and suggested I go to the college class. When I told her that I was a bit older than a college student she just pointed at the fellowship hall and said to go there. I was the youngest person in there by a lot, but that's OK that seems to be the case in a lot of churches of christ. After class, the people who talked to me and asked me questions about myself were also visitors. Do you see the problem here? I then sat alone in a pew for worship, a few men came by and introduced themselves, one even asked me why I was there. He then introduced me to his wife after services and told her why I was there, "Oh that's nice." And she turned away and that was the end of the conversation. No depth. No searching for how to connect better, or help this visitor connect. Sometimes I just have to shake my head, keep smiling and try not to cry. The discouragement is real. The loneliness is real. The struggle to connect is real.

Let me paint an even drearier picture for you. I have been to some pretty terrible churches. And I don't mean the singing, or the preaching, or that the grape juice was a touch too warm. I have been to churches where no one has said "hi" to me. I have been to churches where I have been given looks and even a huff when they realized I accidentally sat in their "assigned seat." I have been to churches for MONTHS, where I have introduced myself to the same people probably 4-5 times. I have been to churches where I have never been invited to an activity, fellowship or even lunch outside of service. In the 2 years that I have been traveling I have been asked to lunch after services by 3 different people, that's it. I can count on one hand the number of times someone has made an effort to come sit with me, a stranger, at church rather than watching me sit alone.

Now let me paint you a picture of my dream for a visitor at church. I walk in and am immediately identified as a visitor. Oh you're a 28 working professional here let me take you to the class in the back that I think you will enjoy. I will even stay and sit with you or introduce you to someone who goes to that class so you can sit beside each other. After class, before services and after service, members make an effort to introduce you to other people who have similar interests, are similar ages, have similar professions, etc. as you. Someone invites me to sit with them and their family during services, no one wants to sit alone! And if I do, I always have the option to say "no thank you!" After services, people come up and ask real questions about me, instead of just the "how are yous" and name exchanges. After church someone makes a point to ask me to lunch to get to know me better, or makes sure that I have plans for after service. Someone also makes sure that I know about other times that the church is meeting, and if they have small groups or devo they make sure that I know I am always welcome. At least someone from church gives me their phone number, since they have asked the right questions and know that I am a female alone in an unfamiliar city "Just in case you need anything."

And I am proud to say that some of these things have happened at a few of the churches I have visited. And my heart longs to be back at these churches. Those are the churches where I built relationships and friendships. Those are the churches where I would like to continue to be.

For me, that is what being a welcoming church looks like. For other visitors, it might mean if they had kids making sure they knew about class/kids church or making sure they knew there was a nursery and even showing them where it is! Taking people to the class and introducing them to someone there instead of just pointing down the hall and saying 3rd door on your left. Making a point to introduce them to other people at church that you think they might connect with. Never letting them sit alone. Making meaningful talk with them before and after church and introducing them along the way. Inviting them to sit with you and your family. Always, always, always making sure you have a follow-up time to see them. "I will look for you next week in class" or "I am going to a small group on Tuesday, would you like to come?"

So... Here is my point. Your job is to be a connector. You likely won't connect deeply to every visitor you meet, but it is your job to introduce them to someone they might connect with. You facilitate introducing visitors to other members. You ask a visitor, "Is there anything that we can do? Any way to connect you here better?"

I know that visitors come and go for all different reasons some of them valid and some maybe not so valid. But as a frequent visitor, I can tell you that a lot of the reason I feel like I need to try another church is because I am not connecting. I go to church and I still feel lonely. I go to church and haven't made any connections. CONNECT!! That is what is going to help visitors stay at your church and want to continue attending there.

I know we are human and that we often miss opportunities that God places right in front of us. But when God tells us we need to change, we need to. I am pleading with you. Assess the way your churches approach visitors. Assess your approach when you meet a visitor at church. Pray for God to give you opportunities in these areas. Pray that God uses you to bring visitors to Christ and for you to facilitate connections to encourage them to continue attending church. They did the hard part and came to a church where they didn't know anyone, now it's your turn to step up! Please pray for the courage to do just that!